


guardian angel

by jjungwoo



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: M/M, Some kinda AU, cross posted on AFF, doyoung's a guardian angel bc i wanted him to be one, like it's not explicit or anything but it's mentioned a lot, this isn't even really angst or anything it's angsty fluff at most, tw for suicide i guess?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-02
Updated: 2017-02-02
Packaged: 2018-09-21 11:30:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9547241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jjungwoo/pseuds/jjungwoo
Summary: Jaehyun kind of wants to dieDoyoung kind of refuses to ever let that happenaka i wanted doyoung to be a guardian angel that's all this is rly





	

**Author's Note:**

> english isn't my first language so I apologize for any mistakes  
> kinda late but happy birthday doyoung

Jaehyun is fifteen when he first meets Doyoung. Fifteen and much more tired of this world than he should be. He's standing on a bridge in his hometown in the middle of the night and is a little too close to just jumping into the huge river underneath, and not ever coming back. The wind blows his hair into his face but he keeps his eyes open, the water is so dark at night, it’s almost like it’s telling him to just jump. Jaehyun sighs, he’s been at this point before but it feels more real this time. Probably because he really has no reason to stay alive anymore. He puts his right foot on the lower part of the railing and is about to pull himself up when he feels someone lay their hand on his shoulder. He whips around, taking his eyes off the black water and his foot off the railing. He's met with big, brown eyes and all of a sudden, he’s calm. So calm. He can’t remember ever being this calm before. 'Don't' the person the eyes belong to says. His voice is soft and warm and contrasts with the sharp features of his face. It fits his eyes though, Jaehyun thinks. The stranger still hasn't taken his hand away, neither is he saying anything else. Jaehyun breathes and it feels so nice, he never knew breathing could be so nice. Jumping off the bridge is far from his mind now. He faintly hears the man say 'I'll bring you home' but it's hard to understand through the blanket that seems to have wrapped itself around Jaehyun's brain, effectively drowning out his own thoughts and the noises of the busy nightlife that he always found so loud and tiring. He manages to nod before the man takes his hand and leads him off the bridge. Jaehyun doesn't even ask how he knows which way to go. He doesn't say anything, instead he just lets himself be dragged through the city he's lived in for all his life. He studies the man that’s responsible for making him feel like he’s wrapped in cotton and everything is alright, when he knows it’s not. He looks about 20 years old, has pitch black hair and is slightly taller than Jaehyun. His jaw and nose are strongly defined, just the opposite of his big eyes and soft lips. Well, at least they look soft. His hands are a little chapped and Jaehyun can see a cut on one of his fingers, which lessens his suspicions of the man being not human. Of course he’s not, he tells himself, supernatural beings don’t exist, he’s just tired, that’s why he’s feeling this way. 'Jaehyun. We're here.' the light voice brings Jaehyun back to reality. They're indeed standing in front of his house. And the man knows his name and Jaehyun wants to ask how he knows it and who he even is and why he knows where he lives but all he can utter is ‘yes’. He really hopes his face is not as red as it feels. ‘I’ll wait here until you’re inside’. And Jaehyun just nods as he makes his way towards to the door of his home that he thought he’d never see again when he left just three hours ago. Sure enough, when he turns around the stranger is standing there, smiling at him, and the cottony feeling inside Jaehyun’s mind gets stronger, not even going away when he closes the door behind him. It’s still there when he gets to his room, his parents are asleep, not knowing he was gone at all. The man isn’t there anymore when Jaehyun pulls back the curtains that cover his window to look down to the street. The only thing that remains is this soft, mellow feeling that makes Jaehyun so calm that he can’t hate it. It remains for a few more days, about a week, but is gone after that and Jaehyun’s never-ending thoughts and stupid feelings are back again. However, the memory of the stranger doesn’t go away, it’s so clear in his mind that he starts doubting he ever really met the man, usually his memories fade quickly.

The second time Jaehyun meets Doyoung he’s 21, this time he’s not standing on a bridge but on a rooftop. It’s not that high, but he knows that if he jumps he won’t make it. Which is exactly what he wants. There’s no wind this time, it’s the middle of summer and the air is so thick with heat it’s hard to breathe. Jaehyun’s never liked summer. His eyes follow the cars on the road next to the building for a while, he’s not sure why he’s even still standing on the roof, when he could be lying on the pavement down there. He’s never been even close to jumping off a rooftop before, maybe that’s why he’s hesitating. Maybe it’s because it’s 3pm and not 3am this time. Maybe it’s because someone else is up there with him. Jaehyun turns around as he senses someone’s presence. ‘oh’ is all he says, because he recognizes the person, he’d recognize that person anywhere. ‘don’t’. the same words as six years ago, and they have the same effect again, Jaehyun’s brain halts and he suddenly feels alive again. The man holds out his hand, waiting for Jaehyun to take it. When Jaehyun just stares at him he comes a step closer and pulls him away from the edge, then takes his hand into his own. Jaehyun tries to say something but the other’s smile shuts him up. His head feels so full of cotton candy right now he barely even remembers his own name. ‘I’ll bring you home’. Once again, the same words as six years ago, and once again, Jaehyun doesn’t do anything besides let himself be dragged. Down the stairs and out onto the streets of the city he’s lived in for half a year now. It’s still unfamiliar to him. And he thinks it’s way too big of a coincidence that the same man who saved his life six years ago is now saving it again. The man has red hair now, he still looks like he’s 20 and his eyes are still the softest brown. The cut on his hand is gone however, and Jaehyun wonders why he even remembers such a detail. He notices that he’s the taller one now. And once again he wants to ask for the stranger’s name, wants to know how he knows where he lives and why he’s always there when Jaehyun is about to be gone. But he doesn’t ask, because his brain isn’t functioning properly and his body isn’t listening to him and he’s not even really walking, he’s just slowly setting one foot in front of the other, his hand held tight by the man whose name he still doesn’t know. ‘Doyoung’ he hears him say. ‘that’s my name’. And now Jaehyun wants to know if Doyoung can read his mind. ‘it’s a pretty name’ he says instead, his mouth actually opening and the words actually coming out of it. ‘thanks’ Doyoung smiles and Jaehyun’s brain is off again. Honestly, Doyoung can’t be real. Maybe Jaehyun is hallucinating all of this due to the sun shining so brightly. ‘We’re here, Jaehyun.’ Doyoung’s voice is still just as light as Jaehyun remembers it. He wonders how if Doyoung is a good singer. Then he realizes what Doyoung said and yes, once again they’re in front of Jaehyun’s home. This time it’s not his parent’s house but an apartment complex with windows which look like they could be cleaned more often. And Jaehyun still wants to know how Doyoung knows his name. ‘I’ll wait here until you’re inside’ Doyoung says and lets go of his hand. Jaehyun finds himself missing the feeling. He nods, fishing his keys out of his pocket and makes his way to the door. Just because he remembers doing it last time, he turns around to look at Doyoung, who is, just like last time, smiling at him. And just like last time Jaehyun becomes overwhelmed and quickly closes the door behind himself. His apartment is on the third floor and when he looks out of the window to see if Doyoung is still there, as expected, he’s gone. And just like last time, the soft cotton feeling remains for about a week before Jaehyun has to deal with himself and all the noises of the world again. 

The third time Jaehyun meets Doyoung he’s 23, and this time it’s different. For one, he’s not even anywhere outside, he’s in his bedroom, carefully weighing the bottle of pills in his hand. There’s definitely enough in there to make him fall asleep and not wake up again. The afternoon is quiet and the sun is setting outside, the leaves on the trees are yellow and orange and Jaehyun thinks it’s quite pretty like this. He’s always liked fall. He places the pills on his nightstand and trudges into the kitchen to get a glass of water. He was never that great at swallowing pills. He drops the glass as soon as he takes it out of the cupboard because he’s not alone anymore. Doyoung, this time his hair is almost pink, and he doesn’t look a day older than last time they met, is standing so close to him he can feel his breath on his face. He catches the glass so it doesn’t shatter on the floor, sets it on the counter and looks at Jaehyun, his eyes as warm as ever but this time Jaehyun sees something he hasn’t seen in them before. Sadness. And Doyoung isn’t saying anything. And Jaehyun doesn’t know what to say either so he just looks at Doyoung, waiting for him to explain himself, because this whole thing isn’t making sense anymore. ‘No you’re right it doesn’t make sense’ Doyoung mumbles, Jaehyun can only hear him because he’s so close. ‘But I can’t explain it either’ he continues, taking Jaehyun’s hands into his own. Jaehyun missed this, as much as he hates to admit that to himself. ‘Just promise me to survive one more day?’ Doyoung asks and his voice isn’t as soft and calm and light anymore, it’s strained and he sounds stressed. Jaehyun nods, the cotton feeling may not be there but Doyoung himself apparently is enough to make Jaehyun feel better. ‘Thank you’ Doyoung mutters and Jaehyun blinks and Doyoung is gone. Yeah, this whole thing really wasn’t making sense anymore. Jaehyun just goes to sleep, right after storing the pill bottle in the back of his closet somewhere. He doesn’t really want to find it ever again, at least that’s what he feels that day.  
Jaehyun’s woken up by his doorbell ringing. Still half asleep he opens it without checking who it is. When you don’t care about your life you don’t care about who is in front of your door most of the time. ‘Hi’ Doyoung says and Jaehyun can’t say why but the feeling is very different than it was all the times before. ‘Hi’ he says back. ‘uhm’ Doyoung starts, ‘you wanted me to explain last night but I couldn’t.’ Jaehyun nods. ‘I can explain right now if you want to’ Doyoung offers and Jaehyun doesn’t think about that for a long time. He moves aside so Doyoung can walk past him and that’s when he realizes what’s changed. It’s Doyoung’s gracefulness, that he was so full of, he seemed to have bathed in grace all the times before, it’s gone. Not entirely, Doyoung is still beautiful, but he walks like a normal person now, his earlier almost dancing walking has disappeared.  
They settle down on the sofa, Doyoung on the left side and Jaehyun on the right and the distance between them would’ve been awkward if this whole thing wasn’t already the most awkward situation Jaehyun has ever been in. And he’s been in some really awkward situations. Doyoung studies the undecorated, plain white walls for a little before taking a deep breath. ‘Basically. I’m your guardian angel’ he says, then waits for Jaehyun’s reaction. Jaehyun isn’t sure what to say because guardian angel sounds so dumb and so much like a children story that he wonders if Doyoung isn’t just insane, but it actually makes sense, thinking back. Of course Doyoung would always be there when he was seriously about to die, of course Doyoung had some sort of special effect on him and of course Doyoung would know where he lived and what his name is, if he was really his guardian angel and not some crazy stalker. ‘And yes, I used to be able to read your mind’ Doyoung adds because Jaehyun isn’t answering him. ‘okay’ Jaehyun says, he’s still trying to process all this information. ‘wait, why used to? You can’t anymore?’ he asks when he realizes Doyoung used a past tense. The other man nods. ‘not anymore’ he says and it hits Jaehyun then than everything about Doyoung that made him so incredibly unhuman is gone. His way too calm voice, the incredible softness in his eyes, the shine he always had around him. Sure, his voice is still soft and so are his eyes but it’s a lot less now. ‘why?’ Jaehyun asks further. Doyoung sighs. ‘Because. I’m not your guardian angel anymore’ he sounds more than upset about that. And all Jaehyun can do is ask ‘why’ again. The smile Doyoung gives him makes his heart hurt. ‘Because you’re a hopeless case. That’s what they told me. Because I’ve had to appear in front of you three times to keep you alive. Because I had to use way too much of my power to stop you at other times. Because, they say, you hurt me more than you hurt yourself and after 23 years without any positive results you were given up.’. Jaehyun doesn’t ask who ‘they’ are, he assumes guardian angels have bosses too. ‘They were going to assign me to a new human but…I couldn’t give you up just like that’ Doyoung says, the tips of his ears turning red. Now that he’s not all supernatural glowy anymore he looks so much more vulnerable, Jaehyun thinks it’s adorable. ‘So?’ he asks, ‘what did you do?’ Doyoung looks him in the eyes. ‘gave up being an angel.’ And oh. Yeah. That makes perfect sense. Jaehyun hates himself for asking ‘why?’ once again. ‘because it was the only way for me to at least try and watch over you’ Doyoung mumbles, it’s hard to understand because of the distance in between them. ‘Jaehyun, what you need to understand is that guardian angels always have a very special connection to their human, and usually when they die it’s not because you failed to do your job, it’s because their time was up and then that connection is gone. Your time isn’t up yet, the connection is still there, you can’t feel it but I can and it was impossible for me to have this connection and then be there for some other human being. So the only option was to give up my life and become human.’ Doyoung tries to say all of this with a serious face and voice but it’s visibly hard for him not to cry. ‘and I know you can’t feel the connection we have but I’ve been watching over you for 23 years and I know you’re a nice enough person to at least try and understand why I had to do this. I just really couldn’t stand to see you die. You deserve the world, Jaehyun, you really do.’ There’s actually tears in Doyoung’s eyes now and Jaehyun moves across the sofa until he’s right in front of him to wipe them away. ‘don’t worry.’ He assures him. ‘I’m really thankful you did what you did’. That’s enough to have Doyoung sobbing into his shoulder for an hour.

Jaehyun doesn’t really realize how good it is for him to have Doyoung around him all the time until they’re up on a rooftop again, about a year after Doyoung became human. They’re on the rooftop because, funnily enough, Doyoung is scared of heights now and Jaehyun is trying to make his fear go away. And Jaehyun doesn’t want to throw himself off the building anymore, because he’s holding Doyoung’s hand as the other clings to him, whining about how this isn’t helping his fear at all, and he doesn’t want this to be over. In a way, Doyoung saved his life now, once and for all.  
Some days, Jaehyun thinks he doesn’t deserve Doyoung. Because Doyoung is an angel even if he isn’t anymore and he is just a sad kid, lost in life. Doyoung knows he thinks that way, even if he can’t read his mind anymore. ‘Jaehyun, don’t’ he always says. ‘Don’t think that way, I’m here because I want to be, because I wanted to be, because you mean more to me than anyone or anything else, don’t forget that’. And even though Doyoung doesn’t have the ability to make Jaehyun’s brain feel like someone hit pause, he now has the ability to make Jaehyun’s cheeks turn red and make his stomach flip and honestly, Jaehyun thinks that’s a much nicer feeling.  
Doyoung saves his life once again when he kisses him the first time, about two years after he gave up being an angel, he just came home from a walk and without even taking his coat or shoes off walks towards Jaehyun and softly, so softly, presses their lips together. And Jaehyun remembers when he was 15 and thought Doyoung’s lips looked soft. He was more than right he can confirm that now, ten years later. Even though Doyoung doesn’t look quite as ethereal as he did back then, his face is more beautiful to Jaehyun now than it ever was before, a light blush across his cheeks, eyes wide open, a mix between anticipation and fear and his (still pink) hair tousled because it is a very windy November. Jaehyun grins at him and kisses him back.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed that, whatever it was  
> also sorry i never know how to format these things slkdhg  
> any comments or criticism are always appreciated~


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